


Dear Jaehyun, My Love

by renjunsmp3



Category: NCT
Genre: Abuse, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Assault, Blood and Gore, Bullying, Death, Depression, Gore, Graphic, Graphic Description, Heartbreak, Homelessness, Hospitals, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentioned Johnten, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, mentions of eating disorders, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2018-09-03
Packaged: 2019-06-24 04:03:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15622122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renjunsmp3/pseuds/renjunsmp3
Summary: There are many ways to deal with problems. This is the way that Taeyong decided to deal with his.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Before reading, there is a serious trigger warning. Read the tags before reading any further. If you are feeling suicidal, please talk to someone and get help. Along with eating disorders, and depression. Do not hide how you feel from loved ones. They're there to help you, not hurt you. Message me on twitter @yutasfeet if you need someone to talk or rant to. You don't have to do this alone.

It had been a hard day at school and Jaehyun was so ready to walk into his air conditioned shared apartment and talk to his boyfriend about his day, already planning a movie night, thinking of something he could ask his boyfriend to make, since he was amazing at cooking. Jaehyun loves Taeyong's cooking, and would rather stay home and help him cook than go out anywhere. He loves the nights they stayed in and cuddled or just hung out on their bed laughing at funny videos. Jaehyun pulled his car into the parking lot, and started walking into his building. He walked through the averagely lit hallway, making his way to the stairs. he climbs two flights to reach his floor, and goes about 4 doors down to reach the apartment. He takes the keys out of his back pocket and put them into the door. He turned them until he heard a click, and opened the door, sighing once the cool air hit his body.

"Tae I'm home~" Jaehyun sang in an almost melodic voice.

He walked into the apartment, and put his stuff on the rack where he puts his work stuff. He sees a piece of paper on the table, and he wonders what that's doing there. 

_Taeyong said he was staying home today, I wonder if he went out._

He picks up the paper and sees it in Taeyongs handwriting and it's way longer than an "i'm going out" note. He starts reading the neat note.

 

Dear Jaehyun, my love,

I know it’s weird to receive a letter without a reason as to why it was sent, and oh, why its a letter of all things. Firstly I want to thank you. Thank you for being the best boyfriend I could have ever asked for. Thank you for all the days you held me after a date, or during a movie, the small kisses you always gave me, and all the presents you always showered me with. Thank you for the dates you brought me on, that always put a smile on my face even when I wasn’t feeling well. I loved going to the beach with you, riding the carousel together, going to ice cream shops on super hot days, going out on a picnic when the weather was nice, and I also loved the times that we wouldn’t have the perfect date. Like when we were walking on the sidewalks to enjoy the nice weather and it started pouring, or the time I sprained my ankle playing basketball with you, even the times you would ask why I always wore sweatshirts. I even loved the times we fought because I didn’t eat on our dates, and when you got mad that I would work out to the point of exhaustion. I enjoyed every moment with you. But there are some things I never told you. I never told you that I felt like I was drowning in my own body, like my body was just a shell that my soul was stuck in, but don’t blame it on yourself. It’s not your fault I did what I did. I love everything about you Jaehyun. Your contagious smile, soft touches, kind words, your sweet mind. You’re the most perfect being on this earth, and I hope you never let anyone make you think otherwise. I remember when we met 4 years ago, I was a shy boy who never spoke out in class, and when the teacher called me out on it you stood up for me. Nobody had ever stuck up for me like you had. The day you found me on the roof after skipping the period we had together, I know you wanted to help me. Every time you would ask me if I was okay, it was like I couldn’t remember how to speak. It felt like I couldn’t form words, but I knew exactly what to say. Somehow, the only words that ended up coming out were “I’m fine”. You never pushed me to say anything I wasn’t comfortable with, and I respected you so much for that. It’s really an endearing trait. The pain I was hiding inside would have been too much for you to handle. It wouldn’t have been fair to drop it on you and make you help me. It would only slow you down, and I want you to follow your dreams. Become that amazing person you deserve to become, finish school, find someone that could love you with no restraint, and no emotional barriers. Find someone who will tell you everything and not hide one thing. Find someone who will eat with you, who doesn’t have scars littering their frail body. Find someone who isn’t like I was. Find someone stronger. I know that someone is out there hyunnie, you just gotta really look. I believe in you. And please, for the sake of my mother and older sister, don’t tell them I left you a note. Don’t tell them what’s in it, and don’t tell them how much I struggled. They don’t need this burden. I just thought it would help you to get over me if I told you why I did this. That is only part of it. The teasing from my father, as he knew I didn’t like girls, was ruthless. My old friends, who had left me once you came along, didn’t agree with my decision to date you, because you were a boy and they couldn’t handle hanging out with someone like me. They tormented me for years after that. In person, social media, everywhere. But you gave me a reason to wake up. You gave me a reason to keep going, even if for a little while. You let me be able to let go from this world knowing that there's some good in it, and that it's not all that bad. I was just too weak to handle what life threw my way. The way your eyes sparkled looking through keepsake stores, and the way your face always lit up when you'd see friends, and when you saw me at the end of long school days. My love, I'll always love you. No matter where I am i'll do my best to be sure you get to have a happy life and a deserving husband that meets all your needs that i couldn't fill. Jung Yoonoh, my baby, don't hold onto me. Let me go and live your life the way you were meant to before you met me. You're my one and only love Jae.

 

Farewell,  
Yongie

 

He looks around. His eyes are blurry and there are continuous tears falling onto the counter and the note. he drops the note and starts screaming for the boy he loves.

"TAE!" He yells, searching through the apartment, the living room, the bedroom, nothing.

"YONGIE WHERE ARE YOU BABY" Jaehyun desperately cries and screams for his lover. 

_the bathroom. of course._

He sprints with pure adrenaline running through his brain like a kid on a sugar rush. The bathroom door is closed. The light is off. Jaehyun tries the door. it's locked. 

"TAE" he screams, banging on the door, almost falling and sliding down the door

_I cant fail him now I just cant. Right now is not a time to be weak._

Jaehyun backs up from the door, face soaked in tears. 

"IM COMING BABY IM COMING I PROMISE." 

He rams into the door, making it swing open to reveal Taeyong in the full bathtub with the water tinted a velvet red.

He covers his mouth and sobs. He wastes no time and runs to the tub where his lover lays. he pulls him out of the tub, and takes off his shirt, tying them on his wrists as to stop the bleeding that had been going on for what seems like not long ago. 

"Jae you're home earlier than i thought." Taeyong croaks out, in what's barely even a whisper. But Jaehyun hears every word.

"Baby i'm going to save you. I'm going to stop the bleeding baby just hold on. Stay awake for me."

Jaehyun ties the last shirt on taeyongs arm and rests taeyong on his lap, rubbing his head and caressing his face while whipping out his phone and dialing the number with the other hand.

"You're going to be okay Yong I promise."

 

"9-1-1 What's your emergency?"

"my boyfriend is almost unconscious from wrist injuries he's barely hanging on please help him we're in apartment 345 on 3rd ave in the dorms please hurry he's not going to hang on for much longer."

"Okay we are sending an ambulance out now. What's your name sir?"

"Jung Jaehyun and the one hurt is Lee Taeyong. Please hurry."

Jaehyun hangs up and is petting Taeyong's hair and feeling his pulse every 30 seconds. Taeyong still has a pulse, just a very faint one.

He reaches down, lifts Taeyong up and puts his soaked arms on his shoulders, as to raise the wounds above his head to stop the blood flow. He picks up his boyfriend, holding him in his arms like a child, planting kisses on his face.

"You'll be okay baby i'll make sure of it. I got you now, you're not alone. Stay awake for me i need you to stay awake."

He plants endless kisses on Taeyong and hears a whisper.

"Let me go Jae. It's my time now."

"No I won't let you do this Taeyong you can't. You can't leave me like this." 

Jaehyun was so busy crying and holding his dying boyfriend he didn't even hear the sirens coming into earshot.

The medics burst through the door, with a stretcher. Jaehyun turns around.

They take his boyfriend out of his arms and run back to the ambulance, Jaehyun sprinting after the medics.

They put Taeyong in the ambulance.

"Are you coming?"

Jaehyun doesn't even think twice and hops into the ambulance, watching the medics take care of his barely conscious lover.


	2. My Sunshine, My Light, Please Don't Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun deals with the consequences of Taeyong's actions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, another trigger warning; I will add tags and change them as they see fit

It feels like the whole world around Jaehyun has shattered into millions of pieces. Its completely silent in the ambulance, Jaehyun can't hear anything. All he can do is watch the medics frantically try and stop the bleeding, and hooking him up to machines to get a heart rate, and putting an oxygen mask on his almost unconscious lover. His hearing slowly starts recovering, and he can hear the doctors yelling different codes, probably explaining Taeyong's condition. At this point, Jaehyun starts to panic. He looks up at the heart monitor and sees a very faint spike.

_He's still here_

He puts his head in his hands and starts hyperventilating.

_He can't go now._

_He was fine this morning when I left._

But the most prominent thought Jaehyun was having was

_Why didn't I get him help? I failed him when he needed me the most. I let this happen._

Suddenly, the ambulance comes to a complete stop, and the door swings open, and there were multitudes of doctors waiting for him. He jumped out of the ambulance, and grabbed Taeyong's hand, and ran alongside the stretcher, with the doctors and nurses pushing Taeyong through the hospital until they arrived at the ER.

"Stay here Sir."

Jaehyun stopped in his tracks.

"You'll be okay Yongie I promise you're okay now." Jaehyun yells as he was left behind just seeing the stretcher with his lover in it, going farther and farther away from him.

He turns around, and a woman leads him to the waiting room. He sits in a corner where no one else was sitting, as to have some time to think about everything.

_I have to tell his family._

Jaehyun immediately picks up his phone and dials Taeyong's mother's phone number.

Brrring

Brrring

Brrring

The noise of the phone calling felt like it would last forever. But alas, it stops.

"Jaehyun honey how are you. Is something wrong?"

"Mrs. Lee." Jaehyun starts, but breaking down into sobs.

"You need to get to the hospital now. It's Taeyong." He breaks down. One hand in his hair, tears soaking his face, with his other hand holding the phone to his ear. The looks from the people around him show sympathy, but they don't know how to help him. He doesn't even know how to help himself.

"Oh dear. We're coming now honey. We'll be there as soon as possible. Are you in the ER?" Mrs. Lee was frantically running around, he could hear it from his end of the phone. 

“Yes.” Jaehyun choked out.

He ended the call. He sat in the waiting room, just staring at other families. A doctor came out to talk to a quite large family. He watched as the doctor had to break bad news to the family. He watched the doctor’s facial expressions, the way he talked, and every single face of the family, being hit by the realization that their loved one is gone. The parents of the person, sobbing. The grandparents, the brothers, the sisters, the cousins, the uncles and the aunts. All shattered by the terrible tragedy that happened to them. The tragedy that took someone they loved away from them.

_Will that be me soon?_

That was one of the questions that plagued his mind while watching that family.

Jaehyun couldn’t help but look back at all the times he should’ve known something was wrong. 

_It’s normal when your boyfriend just tried to kill himself._

_It’s normal to feel so guilty right?_

_It’s my fault anyways._

 

********

 

 

“Tae~” Jaehyun sang as he walked back into the door of his apartment.

“I’m home baby.” He said, putting away his school work and hanging everything up.

“In the bedroom!” 

Jaehyun walked to the bedroom, and opened the door to see Taeyong laying down, typing up a storm on his laptop.

He ran and jumped onto the bed face first, landing in the soft sheets and pillows Taeyong had neatly arranged and cleaned. The whole bed shook, scaring Taeyong.

He looked at Jaehyun and the silly expression on his face and couldn’t help but giggle.

“Hey I just fixed those you big doof!” Taeyong joked, while pulling a pillow out from behind him to lightly hit Jaehyun with it. He put his laptop on the side table as to make room for Jaehyun, with a smile still on his face.

Jaehyun scooched up the bed a little and rested his head on his boyfriend’s lap.

Taeyong put his hands in his hair and started to rub his head to give Jaehyun a break for his hard day of long classes. The other hand was rubbing Jae’s shoulder, and it was so peaceful for a while that Jaehyun had forgotten to talk to Taeyong about his day.

“Tae how was your day today.”

“It was pretty okay. Just was writing an essay that was assigned today in class.”

“Anything else?”

“Nope, just sitting here doing nothing but taking care of you” Taeyong said sweetly looking into Jaehyun’s eyes.

Jaehyun slowly sat up and faced his boyfriend on the bed. He cupped his hands on Taeyong's cheeks, and slowly placed kisses on his soft lips. He lifted Taeyong up and placed him on his lap, having Taeyong sit in his criss crossed legs, with Taeyong’s legs wrapping around the back of Jaehyun. They kissed slowly, placing tiny pecks at first and giggling, to longer, more drawn out ones, until they both got hungry enough to stop and make the decision to start dinner.

When Taeyong was preparing the food, which he preferred only himself to do, Jaehyun had his arms wrapped around his waist, placing his chin on his shoulder, occasionally placing a small kiss on his neck or collarbone, and hearing the occasional giggle from the boy he was hugging.

“I love you Yongie.”

“I love you too hyunnie.” Taeyong would respond, turning around to look at the boy on his shoulder and kiss him on the head, ending with a big ol’ goofy smile, which ended with Jaehyun tickling his sides and the two boys forgot that they were in the middle of cooking, and just had tickle fights, with the time flying by, smile after smile, and giggle after giggle. 

 

*********

 

“Jaehyun!” He heard a girl yelling his name, and he snapped out of his daydream, and found himself crying.

His head popped up, and he could feel the tears that are soaking his face, and now soaking his hand. He wiped his eyes so that his blurry vision would be cleared, to see Taeyong’s sister running towards him, with her mother in tow.

“Jaehyun.” She said in a panicky voice, grabbing his hands and pulling him to his feet softly.

“Jaehyun what happened to Taeyong.” His mother said, in a frantic tone.

“I-I tried my best to save him Mrs. Lee I promise.” Jaehyun said breaking into sobs.

His mother then started rubbing his back, to try and help him calm down.

“Take your time, but we need to know soon honey.”

“I came home from class,” Jaehyun had almost broken korean from how hard he was sobbing.

“I called for him, and said I was home. He usually answers me telling me where he is, but he didn’t say anything.” He took a deep breath to keep from hyperventilating again.

“I found a note on the table… It basically said that he was sorry and not to blame myself for what he did and said goodbye.” Jaehyun had to take a minute to sob. He was crying so hard he couldn’t even see, or barely even breathe. It felt like his throat was being blocked. He could hear Taeyong’s sister gasp, and his mother saying something like oh dear, but he couldn’t make out what she said.

“I ran around the apartment looking for him and saw the bathroom door was closed and the light was off. I tried the door but it was locked.” Taeyongs sister was in tears by then, and his mother tearing up beside her.

“I rammed into the door and it opened to Taeyong in the tub, bleeding out, almost unconscious. I realized quickly that he had tried to kill himself while I was at school. He thought I wasn’t coming home until later. But my class got out early today thank God.” He was still crying but not as hard anymore, as he was trying to stay strong to be able to tell the story to Taeyong’s family.

“I picked him up out of the water and placed him in my lap and tied my shirts I had on, to his arms to stop the bleeding and called 9-1-1 while trying to keep him awake. I ended up putting his arms on my shoulders to stop blood flow, and picked him up and waited for the ambulance to show up.”

Taeyong’s mother and sister gave him a big hug, and it was full of tears, almost all of them landing on Jaehyun’s skin, since he was shirtless from using his shirts to help Taeyong.

But right when they were hugging and crying, he saw a doctor come out. Jaehyun let go of them as they whipped around to stare where he was. His eyes widened and he froze.

“Family of Lee Taeyong? I have news.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this was a filler chapter but I hope it was't too boring. Leave comments if you like it!


	3. You Have Always Been Enough For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun spends every second with Taeyong on his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter there will be vivid descriptions of the aftermath cleanup, emotional breakdowns, and mentions of eating disorders. Do not read if you're sensitive to any of these.

Jaehyun’s entire world stopped. He walked up to the doctor, and it felt like everyone around him was frozen. Nobody else mattered, nothing else in the world mattered more than this moment. Even though it felt like time had stopped completely, it felt like it was passing by in a flash at the same time. Suddenly he had found himself standing in front of the doctor with Taeyong’s family behind him.

“There’s good news, and bad news. Which would you like to hear first.”

Jaehyun felt like he couldn’t speak.

_There’s good news._

“Good news.” He blurted out, covering his mouth and sobbing knowing that there might be a chance for Taeyong.

“The good news is,”

The world had gone dark, the only thing Jaehyun could see is the doctor in his blind white clothing, and himself. It felt like there was a spotlight shining on them both. Nothing besides shirtless Jaehyun crying, and a confident doctor, existed in that moment.

“he is alive.”

He watched as the spotlight went out, and around him a world of color showed itself. There’s hope. He watched as Taeyong’s sister had fallen to her knees crying tears of joy, with her mother consoling her the best she could.

Jaehyun felt like he finally had something to hold onto. His sunshine, his light, has brightened his world once again.

The hand over his mouth was still there as he was sobbing at the fact that his boyfriend, his precious Taeyong, was still holding on. Just as he had asked him to do.

But wait.

“Are you guys ready to hear the bad news?” The doctor proposed.

_The bad news._

“Yes.” His sister spoke up unexpectedly as she slowly stood up, with help from her mother of course.

“Because of severe malnutrition, and dehydration, he didn’t bleed out, which helped his case. But because of the lack of basic needs, we are expecting he will be immobile for a while. He will be weak once he wakes up so he will need all around care. Right now he’s taking a nap so we are preparing everything for him as we speak. Do you guys have any other concerns?”

Jaehyun froze for a minute. 

_That’s not even that bad I can handle that. I will take care of him._

“Yeah I do.” Jaehyun said.

“Will I get to see him?” 

“Immediate family only.” The doctor said, a little coldly.

“I’m his boyfriend of 2 years.”

The doctor sort of made a face, hearing Jaehyun say that he was his boyfriend like it was nothing.

“Yeah I guess so. You guys can check in at the desk over there and the ladies there will tell you the room he’s residing in."

Jaehyun couldn't even think straight to even care that the doctor didn't approve of his relationship but it didn't matter. He gets to see his baby.

He walks so fast to the desk that you'd think he's sprinting. he blurts out all three of their names and the lady takes it down.

"Take a right from here, then take the second left, keep walking farther down the hallway, take the third right and his room is 204."

"Thank you so much."

Jaehyun breaks into a sprint, it feels like the hospital is blurring last him. He dodges all the big machines and the doctors walking around until he arrives at the open door. 

Room 204.

He didn't realize how out of breath he was running until he stopped. His heart pumping almost at its limits, feeling like it was going to explode out of his chest. His lungs were on fire from breathing in so much stale air, making his throat feel like a desert.

He looked in the doorway, to see his once beautiful boyfriend, laying against the white sheets, and the white walls, and with how pale he was you’d think he blended in. He could see Taeyong’s small body, which was barely anything more than skin and bones, littered with the scars. The bright red color painted across his wrists almost like a tic tac toe board, was stitched, and a nurse was wrapping them in gauze as he stood there.

His boyfriends soft pink hair, was still as perfect as ever even though he was laying in a hospital bed. His hair was still damp from earlier, but all Jaehyun could think was 

 

 _perfect_

_he’s perfect_

_That’s my perfect baby. He’s mine._

 

Jaehyun walked in, and noticed a man sitting on the other side of the room.

 

_He’s on suicide watch._

 

Jaehyun paid no mind to the man watching him and the unconscious boy laying in the bed. He walked fast to the bedside and notices there were couple chairs on the opposite wall of the room, and he walked over and pulled them hastily to the bedside. He put two chairs on the left side of Taeyong, closest to the door for his mom and sister, and one on the right side. He sat in the one on the right, and grabbed his tiny left hand. It didn’t feel very normal. It was jagged, where he could feel every bone, and it was freezing cold, despite the 2 or 3 blankets the nurses placed on him, including a hot pack. Jaehyun put Taeyong's left hand on top of his, and put his own right hand on top of it, sandwiching the freezing hand in between his own hot, tear soaked hands.

He rubbed circles onto his hands with his right thumb, and every once in a while, kissing his boyfriends’ hands when Taeyong’s mother and sister walked in, his sister running to the chair and holding his hand while crying.

Jaehyun also found himself crying again, tears falling on both of their hands, with Jaehyun whispering words he should have said to Taeyong before all of this.

After what felt like minutes, hours had passed, and Mr. Lee had demanded his wife to be home, while his sister had nursing school the next day. Jaehyun was the last one left to stay with him.

Jaehyun watched as the nurses walked into the room, remove the oxygen tube that was down his throat, and walk out of the room. He couldn’t help but get lost in his thoughts once again.

 

 

*****

 

“Yong have you had anything to eat today?” Jaehyun asks one day when they’re outside taking walk since it was nice out.

Taeyong is silent. Jaehyun turns his head to look at him, and notices his head is facing the ground. Jaehyun keeps staring, expecting an answer he knows he won’t get. He’s asked this question for the past couple days but gets the same reaction. This time, he decides, he won’t let it go.

“Yong we’re going to eat something. Now.” Jaehyun says, calmer than he expected he would say it.

“I’m not hungry.” 

“How are you not hungry you haven’t eaten in 3 days. You have to eat something. We’re crossing the street and stopping by the deli over there to get a sandwich. Let’s go.” Jaehyun says, lightly grabbing Taeyong’s forearm, looks both ways, and starts to cross, but he feels tension.

He turns around and sees Taeyong isn’t walking with him, rather he’s trying to pull his arm back.

“I said I’m not hungry.”

“Taeyong please come with me. You’re hurting yourself.”

“Do you not know the meaning of Im not hungry? It means I don’t want food.”

“You have to eat something please.” Jaehyun pleaded, begging Taeyong with all he could.

“Get off me Jaehyun I-I said no!” Taeyong yelled on the sidewalk, where other people were walking by and staring, and pulled his arm out of Jaehyun's grasp. He spins on his heel and runs away, far far away from Jaehyun, and he watches as the small body continues running down the sidewalk, and the eyes that seemed to gravitate towards him.

But as he watched his lover run away, he was also able to catch that he had fallen.

Jaehyun’s eyes went wide and he broke into a full on sprint on the hot and very humid day, with the summer air blowing through his overgrown hair, making it bounce as he ran. There was only one thing he focused on. He let his boyfriend run away and not only get hurt mentally, but physically as well.

When he had reached Taeyong, he noticed that Taeyong could barely get himself to get up because he had gotten so weak. Taeyong’s arms were shaking trying to push himself up. Jaehyun walked up to him and reached out his hands for Taeyong to grab onto to get up.

“I can get up just fine Jaehyun I just need a minute.”

Jaehyun watched as he struggled to stand and once he did he growled out,

“I told you I didn’t need help. Now go away and leave me be.” Taeyong said, expecting Jaehyun to move. But he didn’t.

He looked at Taeyong’s legs, and saw the bleeding scrapes, and the oversized sweatshirt he happened to be wearing.

_How can he not be sweating wearing that?_

“Taeyong, your legs, we have to get those cleaned up.”

“Just leave me alone Jaehyun,” he said, while Jaehyun watched his eyes fill up with tears.

Taeyong ran past him, and he watched the boy running away from him, wearing his big sweatshirt, lift the sleeve go up to wipe his eyes and back down again.

 

That night, Taeyong never came home.

 

 

******

 

Suddenly, movement.

 

Jaehyun’s head popped up, tears falling from his face, looking at the boy in front of him, whose fingers were moving against his own. His sun is still shining his light, and he’ll make sure it never goes dark.

“Taeyong,” Jaehyun said breathlessly.

Taeyong’s eyes slowly opened but once they did, Jaehyun jumped up and hugged him. Wrapping the small, cold boy, in warmth.

“No way.” Taeyong croaks out, throat still dry from when the tube was there. The person there on watch seemed to straighten up in the chair he was in.

“What is it baby.” He said, getting off the boy and looking at his confused face, that quickly turned into anger.

“Im in the fucking hospital.” He spits. The man starts to get up.

“Jaehyun what did you do! I was so fucking close!” He started screaming out. His voice cracking, and hoarse. He started hitting the bed and yelling.

“Why would you save me! I JUST WANTED TO DIE!” Taeyong screams, tears streaming in a waterfall, and the man started running over to stop Taeyong from hitting the bed, and possibly taking out his monitors and IV’s.

“Sir! Get back NOW!” The man yells, and presses a button on his waistband to call for help, then he grabs his boyfriend’s arms and pins him down so he can’t move. 

Jaehyun steps back, hand over his mouth, crouching on the floor and breaking down into sobs.

Taeyong tries to move his legs but the man had sat on them so he wasn’t able to kick him. Within a minute, multiple other workers, male and female had entered the room to help. They took straps and tied his arms and legs to the bed with padded handcuffs, so he wouldn’t be able to use them to hurt himself.

One of the men looked at Jaehyun when he looked up and said “We’ll take off the handcuffs once we send in a psychoanalyst to talk to him, and figure out what we’re dealing with. They should be here soon. Meanwhile, he will be staying on suicide watch for a couple days.”

The man from earlier had sat back in the chair he was previously in, while Jaehyun directed his attention to Taeyong, now strapped down to the bed. He looked closer at him once everyone had left, and realized Taeyong was still sobbing. But it only got louder.

Jaehyun’s heart was shattering into pieces, knowing that the boy he supposedly knew like the back of his hand, had been hiding this side of him for so long.

“Why, why, why.” Taeyong was crying out, eyes puffy and swollen. He kept on repeating those words as if he was screaming for help.

“Hey, hey, baby please stop crying.” Jaehyun pleaded, walking over to Taeyong and wiping the hot tears off his face, but Taeyong turns his head away from him.

“Please. Please just leave me alone.” He choked out, his body racking with sobs.

“I-“ Jaehyun started before bursting into tears and choking on his own words.

“Just go, please.” Taeyong said with a mix of screaming and begging.

Jaehyun had never seen Taeyong act like this. He had never acted so emotional even during the time they’ve known each other. It had Jaehyun confused, broken, and he cant deny he felt angry.

_Why does he feel like this? What was so bad that he didn’t even want me in the room, and made him scream about how he’d rather be dead?_

Jaehyun wanted these questions answered, but the only way that they would is if he asked Taeyong himself. He knew he couldn’t do that, as he had denied his presence.

“I’ll be back soon Tae. Just know I love you, and from here on out I will be here for you, every step of the way. I’m not leaving you. I’ll be back in the evening tomorrow. I’m happy you’re safe, and I can’t wait for you to come back home.” Jaehyun said through tears, and slowly walked out of the room, looking back at Taeyong every few seconds, hoping that he would say something like “I love you too,” or “come back,” but he got nothing.

He exited the room and walked down the same hallway he had sprinted down to meet Taeyong. The same hallway that was seemingly more empty before, was now filled with doctors and patients. He walked into the lobby, the same lobby he had been waiting in, crying in, having a panic attack in. The same lobby where he thought the love of his life was going to die. The same place he thought his life was over.

But when he really thinks about it, isn’t his life over? The only person he has is Taeyong, but not even he loves him anymore. Somehow his mind counters this and tells him Taeyong really does love him, under all the pain he’s in mentally and physically, but he cant help thinking Jaehyun was only in his life to improve Taeyong’s self esteem. 

Does he really love him? Or was it all fake? 

He walks out the front doors of the hospital to realize he doesn’t have his car.

_Taxi it is._

The taxi arrives, and Jaehyun gets in, says his address, and in what felt like some very long 15 minutes, he was dropped off at his apartment. He paid using his phone and the car drove away. He walks in the front doors of the building, climbs the familiar 2 flights of stairs, and goes down 4 doors to his apartment.

“Great,” he says, “My keys are inside.”

But he remembers that on his way out, he had never locked the door, so he tried the knob, and let himself in. 

He goes to walk to the bedroom, and passes the bathroom. The water in the tub, still a crimson red. The gray carpet, blood stained, along with the white tiles beneath it. There, he finds a razor, on the floor next to the tub.

It takes Jaehyun a few minutes after blankly staring at the mess, and crying, to realize he should start cleaning. 

He gets the bleach out of the closet, along with a rag, and gets to work. First, he has to drain the bathtub, but he has to pull the drain cover off as to be able to drain the water. He takes a few seconds, staring, contemplating whether he’d rather just go to bed. 

It’s 2am, but he needs something to clear his mind. 

He plunges his arm into the water, and drains the tub immediately. He sobs at the fact that he had put his arm in a tub full of a mixture of water and blood, but he gets over it quick.

He puts latex gloves on, struggling a little to fit them on his hands, since Taeyong is the one who cleans, and his hands are tiny, but he makes it work.

He takes the bleach, and starts putting it on the rag, scrubbing the tub, trying to get rid of the smell, and the red stain on the white ceramic. He scrubbed the inside of the tub, the outside, the rim, around the drain, everywhere until his hands needed a break.

He grabbed the stained rug, that had dried blood making the rug look horrid, He made the decision to just throw it out.

So he did. 

He picked it right up and walked over to their bin, and threw it in without hesitation. 

He took the bleach back out and started scrubbing the floor, as blood had dried in between all the tiles, and on to as well.

He used the bleach to get it all out, and in result his hands were cramping up, and the entire bathroom smelt like bleach. He took off the gloves. There was just one more thing to clean up. 

The razor.

He walked over to it, realizing that, he had chosen that of all things to end his life with. He chose to die a horrible death. Alone. He wanted him to find him dead in the tub after bleeding out. It almost made Jaehyun angry. 

Why didn’t he just talk to me instead of inflicting pain on himself?

Why did he choose this? There are so many more peaceful ways to do it. 

Did he feel like he deserved it?

Jaehyun had pushed all those thoughts away as he slowly reached over and grabbed the flimsy metal tool.

He held it in his hand, as if it were fragile, and he just stared at it. He doesn’t know how long he sat on the bathroom floor just staring at it, until he found a single tear escape his eyes, and slowly fall down his cheek. 

He stood up, and walked over to the trash and threw out the latex gloves, the rag and the razor. He took out the trash bag and walked to the trash chute, disposing of all remnants of the scene earlier.

He takes a look at himself and realizes he’s dirty, sweaty, covered in blood, and he looks like s mess. He walks back to his apartment, and locks up once he gets inside and closes the door behind him. He walks back into the bathroom and sees the organization of it all. Medicine, soaps, even all the way down to toothbrushes and toothpaste. He slowly takes off his clothes, and turns on the water in the shower. He steps in, and just thinks for a minute.

What if he doesn’t love me anymore?

Should I even bother visiting him tomorrow?

He feels the hot water trickling into his dry hair and down his stained and bruised body, and watches as the water falls in front of his face. He watches the red tint wash off him, and go down the drain once and for all.

He washes his hair with shampoo and scrubs his body with soap, getting in every pocket possible to get rid of any reminders that today had even happened. But no matter how much he scrubbed his body, it wouldn’t wash away the emotional scars he had gained from it.

He washed the soap away and stepped out, drying himself off with his towel, and wrapping it around his waist.

Then he remembers.

_Ten and Johnny don’t know._

With his still wet hair, he walks into their shared bedroom. He breathes in the air and it still smells heavily like Taeyong. Everything was clean and organized. What else do you expect from Taeyong?

He chuckles for the first time in 11 hours.

He pulls his pajamas from his drawers and puts them on. Gray shorts, and a black t-shirt. He puts the towel around his neck so his hair wont drip on anything. He pulls out his phone and flops on the bed, scrolling through his contacts until he sees Ten’s name.

 

 

3:23 AM

 

Jaehyun: hey ten

 

Ten: What are you doing up? You never stay up so late when you have class the next day. Did you finally do the dirty with Taeyong? If you did you gotta tell me everything you know.

 

Jaehyun: It’s not that. Can I call you?

 

Ten: Sure

 

Jaehyun clicks the FaceTime icon, and holds the phone in front of him.

“Hey knuckle head!” Ten says way to excitedly for how late it is. He turns the camera to the left, and shows Johnny waving to Jaehyun.

“Nice to know you guys are having a good time.” Jaehyun says forcing out a fake laugh.

“What do you mean Jaehyun?” Ten says, immediately serious.

“Jaehyun did something happen with you and Taeyong?” Johnny asked.

Jaehyun immediately puts his head on his hand and puts his hands through his wet hair and starts crying for what felt like the millionth time today.

“It’s probably not best to say this on the phone. I don’t know why I thought this was a good idea.” Jaehyun started regretting his idea to call them.

“Jaehyun give us an hour to clean up and we’re coming over.” Ten says immediately, and even on the phone he started getting up from the bed and cleaning up. He hung up and left Jaehyun to himself, crying once again, and getting lost in his thoughts.

He curled up in a ball and cried himself to sleep, thinking about the frail boy he thought he once knew, screaming in pain, yelling and asking why Jaehyun saved him.

Even though Taeyong was still alive, the pain he feels from the attempt to leave the world is worse than if he had died. And the immense emotional scars that Jaehyun developed as a result of the attempted suicide, will take lots of time to heal. And right now, all Jaehyun has is time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was sadder than I expected the outcome to be, sorry. Leave comments of your thoughts, opinions, and any questions you may have! I don't think I'll have an update schedule because I'm not one for due dates, but I'll try to update frequently. I'm anticipating to make this a very long fic, so strap in for the ride! And if you for any reason are contemplating suicide, please do not go through with it. You may not think people care, but I promise they do. And if you still think no one cares, I do. Again my twitter is @yutasfeet if you need to talk


	4. Your Smile Is Brighter Than The Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ten and Johnny rush over to Jaehyun's place to make sure Jaehyun is okay, and to figure out what is going on

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't posted a new chapter in a while! I had a bit of a writer's block, but I hope this chapter is good enough! If I make any mistakes, please comment and let me know! Also make sure to comment and let me know how you think about this story! I'm always motivated when I see you guys commenting!

_“‘Cause I notice when you get mad you close your eyes_  
_And I notice when you get sad you let out sighs_  
_I need to know are those sighs ever over me?_

__

_Do you know how in love with you I am?_  
_Do you see how in love with you I am?_  
_Every thing that you do, it makes my heart stop”_

_-Please Notice by Christian Akridge_

Jaehyun is awoken by being lightly shaken, he slowly rolls over out of his curled up position, onto his back. He goes to sit up, but he feels two masses of warmth, and the bed making a dip on either side of him. He starts to open his eyes, and sees Johnny on his left side, sitting down and watching Jaehyun carefully, as if he was going to break at any moment. He turns to the right, and sees Ten going to lay down on his stomach, resting his head on Jaehyun’s chest, rubbing his hands up and down the boy’s torso, who had just been asleep moments ago. Johnny slowly reached over and moved the hair out of his eyes, revealing the red and puffy eyes Jaehyun acquired that night. He noticed that Johnny had opened the curtains while he was asleep in order for them to be able to see better. Jaehyun closed his eyes in an attempt to block out the truth that he had to tell to his best friends. Another tear slipped out of his eyes, and slowly rolled down his cheek, and when Ten had looked up, he noticed it.

“Jaehyun,” Ten said, visibly upset. Ten was looking into his eyes, and once Jaehyun noticed, he turned his head to the side, and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Jaehyun whats wrong? Please tell us.”

Jaehyun breaks down into loud sobs, and goes to curl up into a ball again, but Ten won’t let him. Ten picks Jaehyun up from under his arms and lifts him into his lap. Jaehyun immediately puts his arms over Ten’s shoulder, and wrap his arms around him, and put his face into Ten’s neck. Ten started rubbing circles in his back in an attempt to calm him down, occasionally giving Johnny looks, as he was still concerned about what was going on. Jaehyun’s sobs started to slow down, but he kept his head in Ten’s neck.

“It-It’s Taeyong.” Jaehyun said, voice breaking.

“He tried to-“ Jaehyun tried to get out, but couldn’t finish the sentence without crying again.

“He tried to what?” Johnny piped up.

“Taeyong tried to kill himself.” Jaehyun blurted out before crying again.

Johnny and Ten immediately looked at each other, while Ten pulled Jaehyun closer to him and held him tighter. Ten put his head in Jaehyun’s neck as well, tears filling his eyes. Johnny came over, and hugged the two of them. They stayed like that for a while, Ten and Johnny crying with Jaehyun.

“What happened? You said he tried, so who saved him?” Ten said quietly.

Jaehyun then told Johnny the same story he has told multiple times over again. Jaehyun watched as Johnny and Ten’s face fell, the tears streaming down both of their faces. Jaehyun walked over to the kitchen, and picked up the piece of paper he aimlessly threw to the ground in an hurry earlier that night. He walked back into his bedroom and sat down on the bed and looked at the paper before handing it off to Johnny, who is shaking while blankly staring at it.

“Is this-“ Johnny started.

“It’s the note Taeyong left me on the counter when I came home.”

Johnny and Ten both read through it side by side, and as they read the note, it becomes dead silent besides Ten’s quiet sobs, and the sounds of Johnny pulling Ten closer, and kissing his head while holding him in his arms. Jaehyun doesn’t realize how cold he feels until he realizes he’s sitting alone on the opposite of the queen sized bed, hands shaking, and his fast paced inhale and exhale. He fiddles his fingers and sits, turning to watch Ten and Johnny.

Jaehyun remembers the time that he and Taeyong were like that. After Jaehyun went to go meet Taeyong’s family, and Taeyong’s dad flipped out. All he remembers from that night is all the yelling, and the expressions of terror on Taeyong’s face. Neither of them expected his father to act the way he did. Jaehyun remembers hearing a slapping sound and running to where he heard it, seeing his lover with a hand on his face. He remembers holding his boyfriend, who was a crying mess, and walking him out of the house to get him to the car and bring him home, ending the night with Taeyong curled up into him, head in his chest, Jaehyun holding him tight, never letting go.

Jaehyun never had the support of his family. Jaehyun was 15 was when he realized he didn’t like girls the same way he did boys. He was scared. He was terrified. His family was a strict Christian family. The ones who go to church every week, community service whenever possible, the ones who pray before every meal, when they wake up in the morning, and when they go to put their heads down to sleep for the night. He knew telling them wasn’t an option. But one day in high school, in his sophomore year, he had gotten a boyfriend. They went out on a date, and after they were in the parking lot, sitting in the boy’s car talking. It so happened that they ended up making out, when a car horn sounded, making both boys jump and pull away. Jaehyun’s mom had jumped out of the car, and knocked on the boy’s car door, and demanded he unlock it. 

The boy was scared out of his mind, and unlocked the door due to all the threats Jaehyun’s mom had given to him. His mother flung the door open, and immediately grabbed Jaehyun’s ear, and ripped Jaehyun’s and the boy’s intertwined fingers apart from one another. She pulled him out of the car, with sobs coming out of Jaehyun’s body, his breathing becoming labored. She threw him into the backseat of her car, and slammed the door shut. She got into the front seat and drove back to their home, talking the whole way home how his father was going to deal with him. Once they had gotten home, Jaehyun’s father didn’t give him a chance, and told him to get out and to never come home. Everything he had, including his phone was taken from him, and all he had were the clothes he was wearing, and the shoes he had on his feet. That night, and many nights after that, Jaehyun slept on the street, or just walked around aimlessly, not knowing what to do with his life besides showing up at school everyday. The boy had stopped talking to him, and so had his friends. Everyone gave him weird looks, making him feel more uncomfortable than he already was. He always felt alone, he had no one. Until he met Taeyong.

 

Jaehyun snapped back into reality, realizing Johnny was calling his name.

“Jaehyun, are you okay?” He heard faintly.

Jaehyun looked at Johnny and felt tears running down his face in a small stream.

“He was always there for me when I needed him. He was so patient with me and always took care of me. But when he really needed me-“ Jaehyun had choked up. “I wasn’t there. I let this happen. I should have pushed him to tell me what was wrong. I shouldn’t have let him run to you when he wouldn’t eat. I shouldn’t have let him go. And now he doesn’t even want to see me.” Jaehyun stood up. He walked out of his bedroom and grabbed his coat from the rack and put it on.

“Jaehyun where are you going.” Ten asked him as he went to reach for his keys.

“Somewhere. Anywhere.” He slipped his shoes on.

He then felt a strong arm grip his own.

“No.” He heard Johnny say. “I’m not letting you go out like this. You’re going to sleep.”

Ten walked over, and took the keys out of his hand, while Johnny took off his jacket. He didn’t put up a fight, and let them do whatever they wanted. Johnny reached down to take his shoes off, and he burst into more tears.

“Oh my. Jaehyun.” Ten said, walking over and hugging him tight, letting Johnny finish taking off the shoes Jaehyun had just put on before picking him up and walking back to the bedroom. They lay down, and Johnny comes over as well, and they all stay together, Johnny and Ten sandwiching Jaehyun in between the two of them, waiting for him to fall asleep.

 

 

Jaehyun woke up to realize he was cold, and had no one on either side of him. He got up and made his way to the living room and saw Johnny on the couch with Ten, watching TV. He assumed they were waiting for him to wake up.

“What time is it?” Jaehyun asked in his deep morning voice.

“2PM.” Ten answered.

“I gotta go visit Taeyong. Will you guys come? He might be calmer around me if you guys are there.”

“What do you mean by he’ll be calmer?” Ten asked curiously.

“When I visited him when I was allowed to, he woke up after his family left, and started yelling and screaming at me asking me why I saved him and that he just wanted to die..” Jaehyun trailed off, remembering those moments in the hospital. The hope, seeing his eyes open for the first time since the incident, and the immediate drop in his facial expression. Then the yelling, screaming, thrashing.

“Are you sure you want to visit him if he was like that?” Johnny said

“I promised him I would be there today. I cant let him down again.” Jaehyun said, getting up and walking into his room. He took a deep breath and looked through his drawers for any clean clothes that he could wear. He found a blue sweater, and dark wash jeans. He puts black socks on, and heads into the bathroom to style his hair, when he sees his face, he notices his dark eye circles are more prominent than ever, and his skin is even more pale than normal. He fixes his hair quick and walks out into the living room where he can see Ten and Johnny having a serious conversation but they stop once he walks into the room.

“Ready to go?” Jaehyun asks, breaking the silence.

He walks over to where Johnny took off his shoes the night before, and slips them back on, and puts his coat on. He turns around and sees that they both had already put on their shoes and coats, and he grabbed his keys. He opened the door, and let them walk out first. He notices they were holding hands and he can’t help but remember.

 

******

“Where are we going?” Taeyong giggles. 

Jaehyun leads his blindfolded boyfriend out of their apartment, down the hallway, and down the stairs, out the front door. He sees the sunlight that looked like it was melting before them, and the beautiful flowers along the entranceway. He sees butterflies, and birds chirping. He leads Taeyong towards the parking lot, making his way to his car. He walks to the passenger side door, and opens it, and tells Taeyong to get in, holding him along the way so he didn’t fall. He closed the passenger door, and went to the driver’s side and sat down, only to hear Taeyong’s soft giggles escaped from his mouth, only causing Jaehyun’s smile to reach his ears. He felt so happy in that moment, that he didn’t notice his face hurting from how wide he smiled. He took in the view of his boyfriend. He had just dyed his hair silver, and Jaehyun had thought he never looked more beautiful. He loved staring at his wide smile, and his soft hair, his sharp jawline, and everything else. Jaehyun thought he was beautiful inside and out and wouldn’t trade him for the world.

He turned on the car, and put it into drive. As they drove, Taeyong had many questions like when they were close, where they were going, what he was going to do, he had even asked if he was taking him to kill him. The questions were only answered by Jaehyun with a laugh, and eventually he put his hand on Taeyong’s knee in an attempt to try and calm him down. It ended with Taeyong putting his hand on top of Jaehyun’s and laughing along with him.

Jaehyun stared out the front window of the car, and was focusing on the road ahead of him, when he feels Taeyong rub his hand. He turned his head toward Jaehyun, despite not being able to see through the blindfold, and said breathlessly,

“hyunnie, I love you.” Jaehyun pulled into their destination and stopped the car. He turned towards Taeyong, and smiled ear to ear, even though Taeyong couldn’t see it. He looked at his beautiful boyfriend, who looked absolutely perfect in the sunlight, even if they were inside the car. His style, his soft hands, his soft lips, everything just made Jaehyun fall harder in love with this boy. Sometimes Jaehyun even wondered if loving him this much was healthy.

“I love you more Yongie.” He said, lifting Taeyong’s hand up towards his face, and kissed his hand, and placed more kisses up the length of his arm, getting a quiet giggle.

_cute_

He continued up his arm, to his neck, up to his face, and placed a quick peck on Taeyong’s lips.

“Do you have a blindfold kink?” Taeyong said, still giggling, but even harder now that Jaehyun was placing soft, quick pecks on his lips. Taeyong runs his hands through Jaehyun’s hair, when Jaehyun answers with a smile,

“I can if you want me to.”

Taeyong laughed into Jaehyun’s mouth as they kissed. Jaehyun stroked Taeyong’s face, and got out of the car, and went to Taeyong’s door, and helped him out of the seatbelt, which he was struggling to get undone. He grabbed Taeyong’s hand and led him through the grass field, which felt like they were in the middle of nowhere. Jaehyun led him to where he wanted, and walked behind Taeyong. He slowly untied Taeyong’s blindfold which felt like it was taking forever. 

Jaehyun wished he could stand there forever, looking at the back of his head, and how his silver hair looked absolutely stunning in the direct sunlight. He removed the blindfold and stood in front of Taeyong, to show him the blue checkered blanket, with a brown basket sitting on top, and a couple small pillows.

Taeyong looks down, and starts tearing up, and then looking at Jaehyun and running to him and gave him the biggest hug. Taeyong’s small body wrapped around Jaehyun’s torso, and put his head in his neck. Jaehyun was surprised at the sudden hug, but immediately wrapped his arms around Taeyong as well, putting his head on top of Taeyong’s.

“I know how much you used to love picnics here, and I know you haven’t been here since your grandfather died. I thought this would be perfect on a day like this.”

Jaehyun could hear Taeyong’s small sobs that were shaking his body.

“Thank you Jae.” Taeyong said through tears.

“I love you so much you have no idea how much this means to me.” Taeyong said, just holding his boyfriend. 

“I love you too Tae.”

They stay like that for a minute or two, and Taeyong pulls away from the hug and presses his lips on Jaehyun’s. Their lips moved in sync with each other, Jaehyun reaching down and grabbing Taeyong’s butt, Taeyong with his hands in Jaehyun’s hair. Taeyong gasps from a sudden squeeze on his butt. Jaehyun pulls away from Taeyong’s lips.

“We should probably eat the food before it all melts and gets gross.” Jaehyun said, laughing with the deep tone he has, that makes Taeyong feel more and more in love with Jaehyun.

They both sat down on the blanket, and Jaehyun sets everything up. The nice clean plated, complete with silverware, and then takes out 2 sandwiches in small bags and puts them on their plates, with sides of macaroni salad with tuna, some sushi, and a couple glass bottles of coca cola.

Jaehyun gives himself and Taeyong a couple scoops of the macaroni salad, and splits the sushi, but giving Taeyong the extra piece.

Taeyong immediately dug in, and Jaehyun sat there watching him look like he was in paradise. Taeyong looked so happy, even though he was just putting a couple drops of soy sauce on his sushi. He couldn’t help but just stare at him. Everything about him made him more drawn to him. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to see the blinding smile he always was able to have.

“I know I’ve already said this so many times today,” Taeyong starts, lifting up his chopsticks to put another big piece of sushi into his mouth, “But I love you.” He finishes with his mouth completely full, his words almost inaudible.

Jaehyun lets out the loudest laugh, and Taeyong follows, accidentally spitting out a couple pieces of rice, landing on Jaehyun. Jaehyun looks down at the piece of rice that had landed on his jeans, and looks blank at Taeyong with a straight face, and Taeyong swallows his food. They both burst into laughter again, Jaehyun falling over, and clutching his stomach, laughing so hard, he felt like he was busting his lung.

The laughter died down after a bit, and they both finished their food, and Jaehyun set their plates and trash aside.

“Hey Taeyong, can you get the last thing that’s in that basket for me?” He asks softly.

“Sure.” Taeyong reaches in, and sees a tiny black box.

“What’s this?” Taeyong asks.

“Open it and find out.” Jaehyun says, smiling ear to ear, noticing how it was reaching sunset.

Taeyong opens the small box to uncover an earring with a chain attached to it, and a small clip that clips on the top of your ear. Engraved on the inside of the clip, was a small heart, with both of their initials on either side of the heart.

Taeyong started to tear up again.

“I’ve wanted this earring for so long.”

“That’s why I got it,” Jaehyun said, with the widest smile Taeyong had ever seen on him.

Jaehyun got up, took the earring out of the box, moved Taeyong’s hair aside, and put it on for him. Jaehyun went and sat down in front of him again to see how it looked, and Jaehyun had never even imagined that he could look prettier than he did in that moment. With the sky a gorgeous orange, yellow and pink, and his boyfriend sitting in front of him, he couldn’t have asked for anything more.

“It looks absolutely amazing.” Jaehyun said breathlessly.

Taeyong jumped and tackled Jaehyun on the ground, and they laid on his blanket, Taeyong with his head on Jaehyun’s stomach, Jaehyun’s arm on his chest, and watched the sunset until it got dark. They stayed like that for a long time after that, just staring at the stars.

Jaehyun noticed eventually that Taeyong had fallen asleep, and let him stay for a while until he decided to wake the sleeping boy.

“Yongie,” Jaehyun called out, trying to wake the boy slowly. Taeyong took a deep breath, and reached his arms up to stretch, and accidentally hit Jaehyun in the face. He jumps up and looks down at Jaehyun.

“Oh my god i’m sorry I didn’t-“ Jaehyun grabs his shirt and pulls him down into a soft kiss to get him to quiet down.

“It’s okay, I’m fine.” He pulls away and smiles.

“Let’s pack all this up and go home, yeah?”

“Okay,” Taeyong agreed with a smile on his face. They both packed everything up, and put it in the trunk of Jaehyun’s car. They walked back to check that they didn’t forget anything, and Jaehyun grabs Taeyong’s hand, and interlaces their fingers together. They walk back to the car, and let go of each other’s hands, and get in the car. 

The ride home was silent, with Jaehyun’s hand back on Taeyong’s knee as it usually was. Taeyong had fallen asleep again, so he walked over to the passenger side of the car, and carefully picked him up, carrying him bridal style into their building. 

The stairs were really hard to climb up now that he had another person’s body weight, but he made it eventually, and miraculously being able to open their door. He walked into the bedroom, and laid Taeyong down. They were in the dark so he didn’t see much, and he changed Taeyong into his usual pajamas. He pulled the covers up, and placed them on Taeyong, tucking him in.

He kissed him on the forehead, and went back downstairs to get the basket and blanket out from the car. He went back into the car, and picked it all up, and went back into the building. He got into the apartment, and immediately threw the blanket into the hamper, and threw away all the garbage inside the basket, and putting the plates in the sink.

_I’ll do the dishes in the morning._

He put the basket away, and went into their bedroom. He got changed into his pajamas as well, and walked over to his side of the bed. He slowly climbed into the bed and laid down, trying to get himself to fall asleep, when he felt Taeyong move. Taeyong turned over, and put his leg over Jaehyun’s legs, and his arm over his midsection, with his head next to Jaehyun’s body. 

Jaehyun smiled, and fell asleep feeling Taeyong’s warm touch on his body.

****

“Jaehyun?”

“Jaehyun? Hello??”

Ten had been calling his name.

Jaehyun shakes his head, and looks at Ten and Johnny standing in front of him, concerned.

“You zoned out for a bit there. You okay?” Johnny asked.

Jaehyun shook his head.

“Yeah I’m fine. Let’s just, go visit Taeyong.” Jaehyun was able to get out while tearing up.

He missed his boyfriend. The boyfriend who always cracked jokes, and laughed at himself. The boyfriend who was open with his feelings. The one who didn’t hurt himself and keep it secret. The one who didn’t refuse to eat. He missed the Taeyong he used to know. But he now he may never get that happy lovable Taeyong back. And no matter how much he loves the side of him, and no matter how much he may miss it, he was somehow okay with the fact that his boyfriend was hurt, and unhappy. Because it meant that he could be the one to be able to make that radiant smile finally reappear. He would give the world to Taeyong if he asked for it. And he had made a promise to Taeyong that he would never leave his side, and he’d be damned if he broke it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you want to happen next amd give me some ideas! For starters, maybe they'll visit Taeyong, but let me know if you want something specific to happen next chapter, and maybe I'll make it happen :)


	5. Taeyong, My Love, You're The Light Of My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun, Ten and Johnny all go to visit Taeyong in the hospital, and lets just say, things get a little emotional.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is kind of short, but it has quite a bit of content and is a roller coaster ride, so I hope you guys enjoy! And don't forget to leave comments! It's the only thing that keeps me motivated to keep writing this story. But also in other news, I start school tomorrow, so it might take longer to upload or shorter depending on how much time I have. But let me know in the comments if I made any mistakes as well, because I didn't read this over I kinda just wanted to get it done before I went to sleep. But Enjoy!!

_Like a flower all alone in a field of weeds_  
_You don't need to change_  
_You just need to be_  
_The way you were made is just for me_  
_You're beautiful_  
_Cos' you break of the rules of beautiful_

_The rules as they are_  
_Overlook your heart_  
_But we've got history_  
_That's deeper than these scars_

 

-Rules of Beautiful by Jacob Whitesides

 

 

 

 

It felt like a blur. The car ride to the hospital felt like it was non-existent, because next thing he knew, they were in the lobby. 

Jaehyun walked to the front desk.

“Hello sir, who are you here for?” The woman asks sweetly.

“Uh, We’re here for Lee Taeyong. He came in yesterday.

“How many of you?”

“Three.”

“Your names?”

“Jung Yoonoh, Johnny Suh, and Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul.”

“Chitta- what?”?

Jaehyun giggles as Ten walks up to the lady and spells out his ungodly long name so she can write it down on the computer.

“Sorry about that.” The woman said.

“Don’t worry about it.” Ten says with a smile.

The woman then gave the directions for them to get to Taeyong’s room. Jaehyun felt his heart speed up, constantly reminded of what happened the last time he walked down these halls. He was curious to see how Taeyong was doing, but at the same time he was scared.

_What if Taeyong doesn’t want to see me ever again?_

_Will he react to me the same way he did last time?_

Ten notices that Jaehyun’s breathing had gotten faster, and stops walking to go over to Jaehyun. He wraps his arms around his waist and buries his head in Jaehyun’s neck. Jaehyun breaks down into tears he didn’t know were threatening to fall. His chest racking with sobs, putting his arms around Ten’s chest and resting his arms on him.

“What if he doesn’t want me anymore, Ten. What if he tells me he doesn’t want to see me anymore. What will I do I’ll have no one.” Jaehyun says through his sobs.

Ten hears Jaehyun truly breaking in his arms, and it only brings Ten into tears.

“You have Johnny and me. We will never leave you no matter what okay? We’re here.”

Ten started crying now, while Johnny had walked over and wrapped his arms around the both of them, while tearing up himself. Ten pulled back a little, with his arms still around his waist, and pulls one up and wipes the tears away from Jaehyun’s face.

“Jaehyun look at me okay?” Ten says.

Jaehyun brings his head up and looks into Ten’s eyes. Ten put his hands on Jaehyun’s cheeks, cupping his face.

“You’re going to come with us, and go visit Taeyong. You can make it I promise. And no matter what happens in that room, we’ll be here.”

“But-“ Jaehyun starts.

“We’ll be right here. Right next to you.” Ten cuts him off.

Johnny ruffles Jaehyun’s hair a bit, and it makes Jaehyun smirk.

“Are you ready?”

“I’m not sure. But it’s better to know, then never know I guess.” Jaehyun said in a doubting tone.

They continued to walk down the long hallways, with Ten putting his arm on Jaehyun’s back and making circles to calm him down for when they would arrive at the room.

As they got closer and closer, his heartbeat got faster and faster once again. No amount of calming from Ten or Johnny could stop that from happening.

Soon enough they were at the door to the room. Ten knocked on the door, but they got no answer. They opened the door slowly, to see Taeyong asleep in his bed. Johnny and Ten walked in first, and immediately stood by the bed, looking at Taeyong and his condition. They both stared at him, silently crying with the tears rolling down their soft cheeks. Jaehyun picked up chairs for them and carried them over to where they were standing. He realized that the man that was supposed to be o suicide watch wasn’t there anymore

Ten immediately sat, and lightly picked up taeyong’s hand so he could hold it, and noticed the thick bandages on his forearms. They saw how small he looked, his bones looking like they were going to pop out of his body at any time. Ten went into small but quiet sobs, putting his head on his arm that was on the bed, with the other hand carefully holding his hand. Johnny put his arm around Ten, and held him close as Ten whispered inaudible sentences through his tears.

They stayed at the hospital for hours, waiting for Taeyong to wake up. It was now 10PM and Jaehyun’s stomach rumbled. Ten was still holding Taeyong’s hand after so long, Johnny still close to him.

“I’m going to get food do you guys want anything?”

Ten and Johnny looked up at him.

“Uh yeah anything is fine, just get me whatever you’re getting.”

“Same with me.” Johnny said.

“Okay.”

Jaehyun stood up and went to walk out of the door. He saw nurses and doctors in the hallways, some pushing people in wheelchairs, some patients using walkers, and he made it to the cafeteria, which luckily was open. 

He got himself a grilled cheese, and got 2 more for both Ten and Johnny. He watched as the cook made them, and grabbed 2 apples for himself and Johnny, and some chips for Ten because he doesn’t like fruit. He walked over to the register, and paid for all the food. It came to $30 but it was hospital food, what did he expect? It wasn’t going to be cheap.

He walked out of the cafeteria with all their food and made his way to the hospital room when he heard voices.

“Do you know how much pain he’s in Taeyong? He could barely even speak when we rushed to him. He thinks you hate him and don’t want to see him again. I had to convince him to come here because he almost chickened out. He stayed up all night after you lashed out at him and cleaned your bathroom for hours. He is in so much pain Taeyong. He thinks it’s all his fault. He blames it all on himself.”

Jaehyun hears broken sobs that he can only recognize as…..

 

 

 

_Taeyong._

 

 

 

 

“I-I’m so-“ He hiccups, “Sorry Ten. I-“ He hiccups again.

“Don’t apologize to me, Taeyong. I love you and I want you to get better, but Jaehyun would risk his life and give it away if it meant you were okay. If you succeeded with what you tried to do, I don’t think Jaehyun would be able to handle it. I love the both of you. He’s so in love with you Taeyong cant you see that? He’s so fucking in love with you. You have to tell him how you feel. I’m not mad at you or upset with you. I’m so happy you’re okay. I was so worried about you. I’m always a call away, okay? If you ever feel like that you have to call me, Johnny, or even better, talk to the man who’s head over heels in love with you.”

Jaehyun found tears running down his face after listening to their conversation. He felt guilty listening in, but he couldn’t interrupt. He felt like his feet were cemented into the ground, until they weren’t.

Jaehyun started walking into the room as if his feet had a mind of its own.

Taeyong looked directly at him, and Ten and Johnny turned around. Jaehyun stopped halfway into the room at the sight of Taeyong. He was less pale than he was moments ago, and now, his eyes were red and tears were streaming down his face. Even when crying, he seemed to look perfect.

He walks over to Johnny and Ten, and hands them their food, and goes to sit down, not bothering to touch Taeyong in case he didn’t want that. He sits in the chair from earlier and starts eating the food. Once Johnny and Ten finish, Johnny starts to get up.

“Ten and I are going to get a cab home, bye guys.”

Ten stood up and reached over the bed, and whispered something in Taeyong’s ear, which Jaehyun was too busy eating to hear a word of what was said, and then Ten kissed him on the forehead.

What he did hear Ten say, though, was “Make sure you call me okay?” And then they both left the room. For a few seconds, maybe minutes, Jaehyun doesn’t remember they were silent, and you could feel the awkward tension between the two.

“Jaehyun-“

“Taeyong I-“ They both started.

They realized they were both trying to talk at the same time and laughed.

That smile. That beautiful smile. The one he’s been longing to see. Taeyong’s faded pink hair, and big brown eyes only made him look cuter, and he couldn’t resist him.

“You can go first.” Jaehyun said, a sad smile being displayed on his face, while making eye contact with Taeyong. Jaehyun noticed how swollen his eyes were, as if he had been crying for a long time.

“Im so sorry.” Taeyong said, while starting to sob.

“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you. I’m sorry I pushed you away. I’m sorry that I left myself there for you-“ he broke down, and hiccuped. “To find.” 

He hiccups again. 

“I’m sorry I always cause you problems, I thought ending it-“ 

Another hiccup. 

“Would end the burden I always put on you and myself. Because-“ 

_hiccup._

“I was too weak to handle it.” He broke down into tears again, choking on his own words.

“Jaehyun I’m so so so sorry and there’s no way I can fix this.” Jaehyun’s heart was breaking, watching the love of his life so upset and sad.

“I’m so broken, you deserve someone who can love you the way I can’t. Someone to hold you so that you wont have to worry about holding me. Someone who can fulfill your needs in the way I never could.” Taeyong spit out, crying. 

“We should break up.” Taeyong said.

Jaehyun was stunned.

_Why?_

_I thought that Ten just talked to him. I thought he wanted to stay together._

 

“Don’t say that. I love you so much Taeyong. You meet my every need. There is no one else I would want other than you.” Then Jaehyun starts to panic.

“I love you so much please don’t break up with me. Ill do anything Ill-“ Jaehyun starts to cry, his breathing getting faster and faster.

“Ill do anything. Ill buy you anything you want, Ill kiss you and hold you and make sure you know I love you every moment of the day just please Taeyong you cant leave me too.”

Jaehyun breaks down into tears, holding Taeyong’s hand.

“Please please please please.”

Jaehyun just sat there, tears running down his face, for a few seconds. When he was able to see through his tears, he noticed Taeyong was crying as well. He looked guilty, so guilty. And then he felt Taeyong’s arms reach around his body, and pulled him down. He rested Jaehyun’s head on his chest, and they made sure they could both fit the bed. Jaehyun put his arm on top of Taeyong’s stomach, to play with the fabric of the gown he had on.

“I love you so much Taeyong. I love you and I’m so happy you’re alive I don’t know what I would do without you. Your smile is so nice, and I love your soft hair and how you’re always caring, and I’m willing to do anything- risk anything to make sure you feel okay. Just don’t leave me. Don’t break up with me. You told me I was the love of your life Tae, I really hope you weren’t lying. I want to be by your side for as long as you’ll let me.”

There was silence for a few minutes, tears just streaming down Jaehyun's cheeks, and onto the weirdly textured hospital gown.

“I’m sorry Jae. Im just not… In the right mind. I- I didn’t mean it when I said we should break up. I just… I just don’t want to hurt you anymore.” Taeyong said, also crying now.

Jaehyun flips over and lays down on his stomach and lifts his hand to wipe the tears from his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Hey, hey its okay. It hurts but it’ll be okay soon. I have you and you have me.” Jaehyun finished wiping away his tears and kept his hand on Taeyong’s face.

He notices Taeyong is switching his focus from his eyes to his lips, and Jaehyun doesn’t even realize he leaned in until their soft lips were touching, and giving soft pecks to one another.

Jaehyun loves these kinds of kisses where they do it just to let the other know that they’re there. It’s like they have their own language, and their lips seem to have a mind of its own as well, as they start to have longer, more drawn out kisses, and before either of them realized, they were exploring the other’s mouth, their lips being driven by desperation. Jaehyun had his arms and legs on either side of Taeyong, while Taeyong had his arms wrapped around his back, occasionally reaching his hair just to pull him closer for more.

“You’re so beautiful Tae.” He took his mouth off of Taeyong’s and started placing pecks all over his cheeks, and his arms. Then Jaehyun reached the thick bandaging where the reminders of everything that’s happened in the past 48 hours reside. They both pause for a second, but Jaehyun doesn’t even think when he purposely places kisses on his bandages as well.

“Beautiful.”

Taeyong giggles, and _oh,_ he really missed that giggle. He remembers how much he’s missed his boyfriend. Jaehyun goes up and kisses Taeyong’s lips one last time.

“I love you Tae. I will always be right here. One call away. I’d take you to the moon if it meant I could stay with you forever. Lee Taeyong, my love, you’re the light of my life, and I’m so grateful you exist.” Jaehyun stared right into his eyes, and he could see the blush rushing all over his face, the tears welling up in his eyes. He then noticed his own tears, making their way down his face, just as they had done at least a thousand times in the past 48 hours.

“Jaehyun, my love, I love you too.”


	6. We'll Get Through This Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jaehyun goes down a gruesome memory lane, a street he would rather forget about than remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back with another kinda short chapter, but it's pretty jam packed and very heavy. Sorry I haven't been able to post often, school sucks and my mental state isn't great. But writing helps me get out my feelings so we'll see how this year goes. also TRIGGER WARNING: CONTAINS DETAILS OF SELF HARM, ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, ABUSE, GORE, ANXIETY ATTACKS AND HINTS OF PTSD. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE TO ANY OF THESE.

_I got these beliefs that I think you wanna break_  
_Got something here to lose that I think you wanna take from me_  
_You say that Im asleep but I wanna be awake_

_-Troye Sivan, Seventeen_

 

Jaehyun woke up feeling overwhelmingly warm, with an arm around him, feeling his head slowly rise and fall, and realizes where he is. But his consciousness goes in and out. Jaehyun starts to panic, losing himself in reality, and drowning in his subconscious.

 

 

 

 

 

Jaehyun finds himself back at the apartment, but instead, he’s watching himself walk up the stairs in their building, seeing himself with a small smirk on his face, pulling out his keys.

He watches as he unlocks the door, and starts taking his coat and shoes off and notices it.

“Tae Im home~” He heard himself sing, with no reply.

 

_The note._

 

He watches himself walk over to the note with a confused look on his face, and he starts to read. 

He watches his own face fall, then the tears welling up in his eyes. He watched as he started screaming at the top of his lungs calling out in desperation for his missing lover.

He watched himself run through the apartment full of tears, not being able to find him. 

Then he watches himself stop, and make a realization.

He watches himself bust the door open to the bathroom. Suddenly he finds himself at the doorway to the bathroom, watching himself cry and freak out and figure out what to do. 

Then he remembers.

The deep, bloody cuts up and down his forearms, the skin so torn up, you’d think an animal attacked him.

The water in a tub, a deep scarlet color.

A 1 by 1 inch piece of piercing metal, laying on the tile on the floor in front of the tub

He watches himself struggle to attempt to drag Taeyong’s body out of the tub and onto the floor.

Jaehyun hears himself screaming, screaming at the top of his lungs, hoping someone would hear him. Screaming, hoping that it could heal the love of his life, somehow. Screaming because the shirts he took off his body and wrapped around the boy’s wrists weren’t enough. Screaming because he’s watching his boyfriend die in his arms. Screaming, wondering what he did wrong, or what he could have done that could’ve prevented this.

He watches himself move Taeyong’s pink hair out of his eyes, with hair and tears messing up his own face.

He hears the quiet raspy voice saying the words that haunt him. 

“Jae you’re home earlier than I thought.”

He doesn’t want to watch anymore. He wants to leave this place. He wants to forget, not remember. But he doesn’t have a choice.

“Baby I’m going to save you. I’m going to stop the bleeding baby just hold on. Stay awake for me.”

His shaky voice echoes throughout the apartment, hard for anyone not to hear if they were in the apartment with them.

He listens as he watches himself frantically calling 9-1-1 and the monotone voice on the other end of the phone. His shaking voice, explaining his situation in broken Korean to the operator, his only focus is keeping the love of his life as close to him as possible.

He hears the phone call, his frantic crying, the operator trying to get him to calm down and tell her where he lives.

His tear soaked face being wiped away by his hand, the other hand checking for Taeyong’s pulse. 

Every 30 seconds, after he takes his pulse, there’s a sigh of relief. Sometimes it would be frantic, trying to find his heartbeat, but would always end in a sigh of relief knowing he’s not gone.

He watches as he picks him up and puts his arms over his shoulders, and lifts him off the ground.

He pleads for Taeyong to stay with him.

He watches himself place kisses all over Taeyong’s limp head, and watches as his lover’s eyes were closing.

He heard another raspy noise come from his lover,

“Let me go Jae. It’s my time now.”

He feels like his whole world is crashing down all over again. He doesn’t want to watch this anymore. Wasn’t experiencing it the first time enough?

He watches as he reassures Taeyong once again, and starts to hear the sirens. Soon enough the paramedics came, picking up his tiny and lightweight lover, and effortlessly carrying him to the stretcher.

He sunk down to the floor, pulling his legs up to his chest, sobbing, and sees himself rush out of the house to get in the ambulance with his boyfriend. 

Then, everything went black.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He sits up in a jolt, startling the boy under him.

His breathing gets faster and faster and he can feel his heart pumping at it’s capacity, feeling like it’s going to explode right out of his chest.

He starts wailing, rising his hands to his face, curling up into himself, pulling his legs up to shelter him from the world.

He feels a hand on his back and jumps and turns around to see a terrified Taeyong, who was sat up trying to calm him down.

Taeyong looks like a hurt puppy, but Jaehyun doesn’t see the look on his face, and just curls back up into a ball on the hospital bed. 

Taeyong was frantic trying to figure out what to do. He looked around and tried finding Jaehyun’s phone, and saw it on the bed next to himself from when they were cuddling.

He picked it up and immediately opened it with his fingerprint, and went to the phone app, since he wasn’t allowed to have his phone. He scrolled through the very few contacts in his phone until he saw the first contact he recognized. He clicked call and held the phone to his ear, now starting to cry watching Jaehyun trembling and not being able to do anything about it.

Taeyong’s hands started shaking, but he just held the phone to his head listening to the phone ring and ring and ring and ring until:

“Hey Jaehyun what’s-“

“ _Johnny._ ” Taeyong’s voice sounding distressed.

“Taeyong? What are you doing on Jaehyun’s phone?” But after those words were said, Johnny was able to hear the wails, almost scream crying through the phone.

“Taeyong what’s wrong what’s going on.” Johnny said, immediately getting serious.

“I don't know Johnny he wont let me touch him he wont let me help him please come to the hospital I don’t know what to do.” Taeyong blurted out, tears falling down his face, watching the boy who was fine moments earlier was now in a state of panic. 

All Jaehyun could think about was 

_Get out_

_Get out_

_Get out of here_

_Get out_

 

Those thoughts ran through his mind, repeating themselves over and over again.

_Hide_

_You gotta hide_

_It’s not real if you hide_

_If you hide you wont have to deal with any of this_

And Jaehyun figured that hiding was better than looking at Taeyong hooked up to beeping machines and seeing how thin he had gotten. His brain told him it was safe to just curl up and protect yourself from the world, and not let anyone in. That’s exactly what he did.

Through his sobs and cries, he stayed curled up.

Then he felt himself slipping into his memories once again.

 

 

 

 

 

He was thrown into a back of a minivan. All Jaehyun could see was his mother in the front seat mumbling about how he was a disgrace and how she couldn’t wait for his father to deal with him. He was scared out of his mind. All he was planning on doing that night was go on a date with his boyfriend and then go home and sleep. It was supposed to be a happy peaceful night.

But instead of going home and curling up in his warm bed, his mother grabbed him by the ear and dragged him into the house. He was forced to sit down on a chair, until his mother had finished explaining everything that was going on to his father.

He knew the second his father walked in the room he was in trouble. His face looked almost as red as blood, and he swore he could see steam coming out of his ears. He watches as his father approached him and raised his hand. He brought his right hand down and hit him with such force, that Jaehyun had fallen off the chair.

Jaehyun had started crying, and curled into a ball, with his head in between his legs, and hands around the back of his head. He already knew how to defend himself in situations like this because this had happened to him a lot before in school.

When he cried in his room alone at night, he would curl up in a ball, thinking about how much he just wanted to get out, and that curling up would help him to hide.

But doing that didn’t defend him very much with his father. His father pulled him out of that position so he was flat on his back and punched him mercilessly while Jaehyun was helpless, looking to his mother for any sort of sympathy that she never ended up giving. 

Jaehyun was close to being knocked out when his father stopped. Jaehyun knew he was saying disgusting things to him about being gay and kissing other men and how he was a disappointment and a disgrace to his family. He couldn’t hear properly, his ears were ringing his face stung, and his entire body felt sore, but his father had then told him to get out.

“You’re not welcome here.” He said angrily, and sent 15 year old Jaehyun out into the streets alone. 

No food, no clothes besides the battered and bloody ones he was already wearing, no phone, and most importantly, no shelter.

Jaehyun spent very long nights in the streets, curled up in the same position, crying himself to sleep while laying on the cold hard relentless pavement.

When it rained, it only made Jaehyun sick afterwards. All Jaehyun could do was run around and try to find an awning or some place that was open 24 hours, and stay as long as he could without getting kicked out. He still attended school, but only got bullied because of his clothes and his smell.

But at the end of every night, Jaehyun tried hiding from the world, curled up in a ball, head in between his legs, and hands on his head. Even when people would jump him, realize he already had nothing, and kick him around for fun. Even when a day came that another 15 year old boy found him, and recognized him from school. 

 

The same boy that stood up for him against the teacher in class the next day, and helped him so that he wouldn’t have to curl up in a ball anymore. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jaehyun starting shifting back to reality hearing familiar voices, mixed with strange ones.

He opened his eyes to see a small, black haired boy, sweetly calling his name in the corner of his eye.

“Jaehyun?” Ten called.

“Why are you crying? What happened?” Ten asked.

Jaehyun just closed his eyes again and sobbed.

“Can I hold you?” 

He lifted his head to look at Ten, and saw as his heart broke before his eyes.

“Oh Jaehyun come here.”

Ten stood up and put his arms out to hold him, and Jaehyun had done the same. Ten put his arms under Jaehyun’s and lifted him off the bed, giving Taeyong space. Ten carried Jaehyun like a baby, and Jaehyun buried his head in his neck, continuing his sobbing.

Ten rubbed circles in his back, and he only cried harder.

“Hey you’re okay now Jae, you’re okay I got you, I’m not going anywhere.” He didn’t stop rubbing circles in his back, and waited for him to calm down. Ten kissed his head and sat him down in a soft chair that one of the nurses had brought in.

“I see you got him to calm down.” A nurse said, walking into the room.

“Yeah he’ll be okay now. Right Jaehyun?” Johnny said.

“Yeah” he answered.

“Under these circumstances, we are obligated to give him a therapist. His panic attack was severe, and needs treatment.”

“Okay. He’ll do it.” Taeyong spoke up. Jaehyun looked up at him, and saw how tired and broken Taeyong looked. Taeyong reached his hand out to Jaehyun’s, and interlaced them.

“We’ll do it together.” Taeyong said, squeezing his hand. It brought a shade of a light red to spread across Jaehyun’s cheeks, and a small smile to form on his lips.

Jaehyun got up from the chair and crawled into the hospital bed, curling up into Taeyong's side, holding him tight, and never letting go.

"Promise me you'll never leave." Jaehyun mumbled, and Taeyong placed a kiss on his head.

"I promise."

The nurse had already left, but Ten and Johnny were still there, cooing at them, talking about how cute they were together, and for a little while, everything had felt normal. It felt like it did before everything. A time where each one of them preferred to be in, but nonetheless, they were all happy to be right where they were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know if you liked it! Comments are my only motivation, besides my own emotions. I'm planning on writing a Renjun fic, so if anyone has any suggestions, comment a storyline I should use!


	7. I love you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I wasn't sure where else I could take this story, and I also kind of wanted to just finish it. But anyways, it was good while it lasted, and I hope you all enjoyed! Leave comments about how you feel! I'll probably respond to all of them. I'm planning on writing another fic soon, so if you have any recommendations I'm willing to take them!

_I know this will be a memory not a reminiscence_

_The apologetic, regretful thoughts linger, the longing_

_That we didn’t realize because we were so used to it lingers_

_I know the time will tell_

_You know, we will always walk, following the star_

_We were someone’s dream, we don’t forget each other_

_You must know that_

_I am always by your side._

 

_-Mark Lee, Dear Dream_

Jaehyun and Taeyong stayed together in the bed for hours upon hours. Mostly just talking, but the occasional kisses would slip in. Every moment they’re together, just reminds Jaehyun how lucky he is to be with him. How lucky he was to find him when he did. 

That day, Taeyong was released from the hospital, and since he complied with the therapist, they didn’t send him to a mental institute. The only thing he had to do was be in outpatient with the hospital and show up for group therapy sessions, and personal therapy sessions 2-3 times a week. 

After a while, Taeyong started to appreciate everything around him. His loyal, gorgeous, and very caring boyfriend, how the sun would find it’s way through the curtains in the bedroom and softly wake him up in the morning, how the birds chirped, even the sound of cars outside their apartment. Taeyong was thankful for everything and made sure that his boyfriend knew it. 

Whenever Taeyong would feel sad or like he couldn’t eat, he always went to his boyfriend, and he always knew how to help him, and talk him through it. 

On Friday nights after class, Johnny and Ten would come over and they’d all spend the night together, which always ended in a sleepover, usually because they were all hammered. 

There would still be nights where Taeyong fell apart, but there wasn’t one time that Jaehyun wasn’t there to put him back together. 

Jaehyun always kept his promises and always made sure to appreciate his beautiful boyfriend. He had his own problems to solve, and was also on the way to recovery. 

Most nights, Jaehyun and Taeyong would spend hours watching TV or watching movies, and falling asleep, or going on dates to their favorite restaurants. 

One day Jaehyun had told Taeyong he was going to class. Taeyong had class after him, so he would have some time to get what he needed and plan the rest of his night. That day, Jaehyun didn’t actually go to class. 

“Tae! I’m going to class!” Jaehyun called in the apartment. 

Taeyong ran out of the bathroom, hair and skin wet, with just a towel around his waist. Jaehyun admired his perfect boyfriend. He was so proud of him, as he had gained more weight since the incident. He gained more muscle than Jaehyun could have ever imagined him with, and he had to admit, it was really hot. 

Taeyong looked up at Jaehyun after making wet footprints on the wood floor on his way over, and placed a kiss on his lips. 

“Have fun at class I love you,” Taeyong said, pulling away from the kiss. 

“Love you too,” Jaehyun said, placing another kiss on Taeyong’s soft pink lips, “I’ll see you later.” And he left giving him a wink, and getting a slap to the arm. 

Jaehyun didn’t go to class that day. Rather, he had stopped by a jewelry shop. He looked around in the glass cases around him, finding rings that matched, and fit to his boyfriend’s small slim fingers, and his long, but more bulky ones. They were expensive, but worth it, and he kept them in a small black box for later. By the time he went out to get himself some lunch, and ate it, it was time that Taeyong left the house to go to class. Jaehyun went to the dry cleaners, and picked up his suit, and the suit he was planning on gifting to his boyfriend. 

He went home, and called a restaurant he had made reservations with weeks ago to make sure everything was set for tonight. He went into the apartment, and placed the red suit down on their bed, along with a note he pre-wrote the night before. 

_Clear your schedule for the night, and wear this. Meet me at the very fancy restaurant on 5th. I’ll be waiting for you, love._

__From,_  
_hyunnie__

Jaehyun got changed into his suit, and red tie that matched Taeyong’s suit, and wen Tinto the bathroom to style his hair. He only had 20 minutes until Taeyong got out of class, and 15 more minutes for him to get home. 

He quickly gelled his hair, and put his cuff links on, putting his wallet in his pocket, along with the small black box. He got in his car, and drove to the restaurant, standing outside, and checking his phone and nervously texting Ten. 

**5:21 PM**

**Bakery man:** Ten 

**Eleven:** Is it happening tonight? 

**Bakery man:** Yes Im so nervous. What if he says no? 

**Eleven:** I don’t think he’ll say no. You two are grossly in love with each other. 

**Bakery man:** And you and Johnny aren’t? 

**Eleven:** You got me. But right now this is you and Taeyong, not me and Bigfoot 

**Bakery man:** So you finally admit it 

**Bakery man:** Ive been waiting for this day since you two got together 

**Eleven:** Head’s up bread man, Taeyong had gotten home and noticed your note, he’s spamming me right now. 

**Eleven:** You got this Jaehyun. I bet you look handsome. Now go claim Taeyong like the gross couple you are. 

**Eleven:** Also I’m expecting details later. You better not leave anything out. 

**Bakery man:** You got it mom 

**Bakery man:** He just pulled up oh my god we’ll talk later. 

**Eleven:** You got this!!!!!!! 

**Read 5:45PM**

Taeyong got out of his car. He was super nervous. He was wondering why Jaehyun had him dress up like this, as their dates have never been this fancy. It’s always laying in pajamas and watching television. To be honest, he had a few ideas after receiving lots of wink faces from Ten rather than real words, but nonetheless, he didn’t know what exactly was going to happen. 

But everything was wiped from his mind, and went blank as he saw Jaehyun leaning on the wall next to the door of the restaurant. He looked perfect. He always looked perfect. 

Jaehyun then caught sight of him, and walked up to him. 

“May I,” Jaehyun said, reaching his hand out, to take Taeyong’s. 

“You may.” Taeyong said with a chuckle, both of them entranced by the other and how good they looked. They held hands on the way in, getting looks, but it didn’t matter to them. They got seated, and got drinks from the waiter. 

The night went great for both boys, even though it consisted of each of them stealing glances at the other while eating their food, and talking about class and what they have to do over the weekend, but they did it all holding each others hand on the table. 

Once they had finished the food, they had just talked about whatever. 

“How are you feeling today?” Jaehyun asked. 

“Better than I have in a while.” 

“Im glad. I hope it gets easier from here.” Jaehyun answered. He reached into his pocket, and fumbled with the black box to make sure his practice of this exact moment would come in handy. 

Jaehyun stood up, walked in front of him, got down on one knee, and took out the black box. 

Taeyong gasped, and put his hands over his mouth and immediately started crying. 

“Hey don’t cry, I haven’t even started saying my proposal speech.” Jaehyun said playfully, and giggled while wiping the tears from under Taeyong’s eyes. 

“Yongie,” Jaehyun started and got choked up. By now, almost the entire restaurant had their eyes on the couple. 

“First, I just want to say you look absolutely stunning tonight.” He said, laughing, while starting to tear up, seeing his lover in such shock. 

“We’ve been through a lot these past 4 years. Back to where it started when you stood up for me in class, when you helped me through all the tough times, and when I helped you through yours. I hope that we can forever help each other get through the rough patches.” Jaehyun started to stutter a little bit, tears forming in his eyes, watching his boyfriend cry the way he was. 

“My love, the light of my life, the sun that makes the dark go away, my everything. I hope you will never leave my side, because I always want to be by yours. Now and for eternity.” Jaehyun started crying, as he opened the small black box to reveal the gorgeous rings. 

“Lee Taeyong, my one and only love, will you marry me?” 

Taeyong had tears running down his face, and no matter how much he wanted to speak, his body wouldn’t let him. So he did what he could to give his answer. 

He vigorously nodded his head, and they could hear cheering and clapping, and even a couple boos, which had got them kicked out of the restaurant. Jaehyun stood up and put the ring on Taeyong’s slim finger, and was surprised when it fit. 

Taeyong then wrapped his arms around Jaehyun, crying into his shoulder. Then Taeyong realized he could finally get words to come out of his mouth. 

“Yes, yes, yes, yes, a million times yes.” 

Jaehyun laughed and held his now fiancé as close as possible. 

“I love you Yongie.” He said in his ear, and Taeyong pulled out of the hug and placed a big kiss on his lips and pulled away. 

“I love you too. I’ll always be by your side from now on. I’m not going anywhere.” 

That promise had stood the test of time, proven to never break, until both of their last breaths had been taken together. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry the ending kind of sucks, but follow my twitter, @yutasfeet and yell at me! Farewell for now, until I write another fic!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know if you want more chapters!! I can make this into a series! Leave constructive criticism below and let me know if you liked it! I know it's depressing but go look at something happy to cheer you up after you're done reading this. Again, my twitter is @yutasfeet if you ever need someone to talk to, rant to or anything. I'm always here.


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